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Dean

Fic: Love and You Know, Stuff (SPN)

Posted on 2009.04.25 at 01:34
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Tags: , ,
First off, I'm sorry. I've neglected LJ and my friends horribly. You know how obsession can be. I'm up to the end of Season 2 of Supernatural, and Oh DEAAAAAAN! Yes, I finally arrived at my crying threshold. And my God, Jensen Ackles rocks hardcore.

Anyway. SPN fic. I fully don't mind if nobody reads this, it's no more than I deserve after disappearing for so long. Except callistosh65 - you have to read, since it's your pokey stick that did this in the first place! :D Anyone who does take a look, concrit is more than welcome, as I'm just test-driving them at this point.

(Incidentally, I'm dropping 2 days work a week as of next week, so I expect to be seeing a lot more of you all then! :D)


Love and, You Know, Stuff

“OK, Sammy. You gonna spit it out anytime soon?”

They’d been cruising along some random highway for hours now, windows wide and hard rock at max, the sun fierce and the aircon cool. In most circumstances it should have been a peach of a day. But the air in the Impala bristled with the unspoken acknowledgement of what they were running from, the memory of facing a power so dark it had almost been too much for them.

In the last three hours, no more than two words had passed between them.

(“Gas.”

“Sure.”)

Sam loved his brother so hard it was like an ache at times. Would kill for him if pressed, die for him without thought. But God, times like this, mind screaming with recent terrors, he could totally do without Dean’s emotional fucking autism. Surely it was normal to want to talk over the shared trauma, put into words how it felt to lie bound and helpless, to watch your only family beaten bloody without being able to lift a finger.

Normal. Right. Because normal was so them.

So he sat, slumped into the upholstery as though he could bury himself there, not daring to utter a single word because he knew there was no way he could quit at just the one. He could feel it all, threatening to burst out of him, drain him like some kind of stream-of-consciousness demon, and no way would Dean take that, and he just wasn’t up to being shut out right now.

So, there was only one possible response to Dean’s question.

“No. I’m good, thanks.”

Dean’s derisive snort was pitched just right to make Sam’s teeth itch, but he chose to let it lie. Long seconds passed, and Sam felt his brother’s gaze rake over him, searching. Didn’t dare look.

Dean caved first.

“You sure? Cause, you know, usually Oprah’s got nothing on you. You wanna share, little bro?”

“No, Dean!” He really didn’t need the anger, dripping into the already overfilled pot of suppressed emotional shit until he was having to dig his nails cruelly into his own palms just to give himself something else to focus on. He took a breath. “Look, seriously, just – drop it, could you?”

“That’s supposed to be my line,” Dean muttered. Silence.

Dean tried again. “Rough back there, huh?”

“Some.” Sam was pretty sure he’d drawn blood by now, his palms were slippery enough anyway. He let his head fall back against the seat rest, closed his eyes, the glare of the sun red on the backs of his eyelids.

He snapped back to full attention pretty quickly, the car jolting as Dean hauled the wheel round and screeched to a halt at the roadside

“Sam.”

“Yeah.”

“Um.” Sam let the pause stretch, vindictively gratified by Dean’s discomfort.

“Sam – Sammy, I – ah, come on, throw me a bone, huh? I’m trying here.”

And that was it. Everything Sam had been fighting to keep in flooded out, unstoppable.

“Fine. You wanna know how I feel, right? Wanna hear all about how it shatters me to see you like that? God, man, I nearly lost you back there. Again. Seems like I spend my whole life watching you get torn to shreds, sitting there while every dark and demonic and just plain damned evil thing in this godforsaken world rips into you or uses me to get to you. And I feel guilty, and helpless, and stupid and…” He heard and hated the catch in his voice, pulled in a great ragged breath. “Christ, Dean. I love you so damn much it kills me. It’s too hard.”

For the first time, he turned to look at his brother. Dean was still, rigid, hands clenching the wheel as though trying to throttle the life out of it. Slowly he turned his head to meet Sam’s gaze, and the sheer unguarded vulnerability in his eyes practically stopped Sam’s heart.

“You done?”

“Yeah.” And now he’d give anything to take it all back. “Hey, dude, I’m sorry. I…”

“No no no. You’re totally right.”

Well. That was unexpected. “Uh, come again?”

“You’re right, man. Sharing is good.” The vulnerability didn’t leave exactly, just transmuted slightly, putting Sam in mind of a Labrador puppy. “Oh Sam. I just need you to…hold me.”

What? “What?”

“Hold me. Please, Sammy. I need to feel you.” Dean launched himself across the front seat, head coming to rest in Sam’s lap, green eyes wide. “You’re everything I’ve ever needed.”

God, he was dumb sometimes. Eyes narrowing in suspicion, he glared downwards, confronted by the ghost of a smile.

“God, Sammy, can you feel it? Our love is so wrong – and yet, so right.”

Shit.

“Yeah. Dean, do me a favour?”

“Anything for you, honey.” Limpid pools of purest green gazed up at him reverentially.

“Bite me.”

Bestowing on Sam the broadest, most shit-eating grin he’d ever seen, Dean straightened and gunned the engine into life. Sam slumped back grumpily into the seat to a soundtrack of Iron Maiden and his brother’s cackling. Goddamn – every friggin’ time.

But the horror was gone, and in its wake came a gentle warmth and a sense that, just maybe, and just for the moment, life was OK again. As they rolled on through the gathering twilight, finally Sam relaxed, his breathing slowing and deepening.

Dean drove on, into the night, tapping out rock rhythms with his thumbs on the steering wheel, casting occasional glances at his sleeping brother. And, much later, when the isolation got too much, he dared to whisper:

“I love you too, Sammy.”

Sam managed to wait a whole twenty seconds, before whispering back, his tone sleepy but edged with utter glee:

“It’s Sam.”

The crack of Dean’s palm hitting the wheel was satisfying.

Comments:


Strike while the irony is hot
draycevixen at 2009-04-25 02:25 (UTC) (Link)

Erm... I haven't read the fic... I tried to watch SPN and couldn't get anywhere with it so I wouldn't be able to do it justice I'm afraid... I'm also leery around a fandom full of the the one sort of story I will *never* read.

That said, I'm leaving a comment as I didn't want you to think I wasn't visiting 'cos you hadn't been around. I'm just glad when you are around and it's lovely to hear that you have a new fandom obsession. Young love is so wonderful! ♥
I, being poor, have only my dreams.
bistokids at 2009-04-25 08:28 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you, hun! It does make me feel slightly warm and fuzzy theat someone cares enough to pop in just to be lovely and reassuring. Having read my initial comment in the cold (and I do mean cold, and rainy - bah!) light of day, I did come across a tad angsty - I guess it must be a by-product of emo writing (also possibly the wine I'd drunk when I posted!)

Yeah, I thought SPN might not be your thing. I've no problem with the slash, but it's pretty obvious why someone might! And, of course, I know your squick of old. So double thanks for coming in. (This isn't slash, incidentally, in fact it's anti-slash if anything - you can be sure that, even on my own LJ, I'd warn for incest if it was there!)
birggitt
birggitt at 2009-04-25 04:04 (UTC) (Link)
Oh, good take on the boys! You got their act =D
And yes, they are exactly like that...
And oh, the end of second season! *sobs* Told you, this show is gonna broke your heart once and again and again...
Is so damn good!
I'm really happy you got into it, because... fic!!! SPN fic from you, that's awesome!
And again, I need to get another SPN icon. One not spoilery... argh!
I, being poor, have only my dreams.
bistokids at 2009-04-25 08:52 (UTC) (Link)
Thank you! :D It's pleasing to think I managed to get somewhere near right on my first go. Not all that surprising, I suppose - I've been living and breathing the show for about 3 weeks now, I've watched about 5 eps a day and literally nothing else! God, it's amazing. And Dean - ohhhh! He breaks me, every time.

I'm off to buy S3 later today. I'm sure it'll be nice and light and fluffy! XD
birggitt
birggitt at 2009-04-25 09:21 (UTC) (Link)
Dean is just... *sigh* *cuddles Dean*

I'm off to buy S3 later today. I'm sure it'll be nice and light and fluffy! XD
Oh, yes! totally! Cotton Candy!
Callisto
callistosh65 at 2009-04-25 06:44 (UTC) (Link)
Wheeee!!! I was so happy to see this pop up this morning. And to hear that you have succumbed to the magic that is S2. Doesn't JA just shred your heart in some of these episodes?? Croatoan? What Is and What Should Never Be?? And don't get me started on the finale.. Honestly, I don't think anyone has angsted so prettily in the history of televison.

Now to your fic.. it's a gem. You got a great moment between them here - and I love how you riffed on all the slash emo out there - and then bounced off it entirely. Heh, magic. And Sammy and his thought processes are a delight..Would kill for him if pressed, die for him without thought. But God, times like this, mind screaming with recent terrors, he could totally do without Dean’s emotional fucking autism. Now there's a perfectly Winchester way to look at it if ever there was one.

Thank you for this, you made my morning cuppa taste all the better. Now onwards and upwards with you, my friend, for you have Mystery Spot to come in S3, and the Christmas one, and Jus In Bello..

And then more fic scribbling, of course!!

Edited at 2009-04-25 08:36 (UTC)
I, being poor, have only my dreams.
bistokids at 2009-04-25 09:10 (UTC) (Link)
What Is and What Never Should Be was a hell of a ride, for sure. When I read the spec, I must admit it didn't grab me - I had it down as the statutory slightly duff ep before the Big Bang finale. But my God, for full-on searing Dean!angst it's hard to top. And then, of course, he went on to top it in the very next episode!

I'm so pleased you liked the fic! I'm a total sucker for shows that give me banter-as-bonding, and SPN heads the list in this regard, so that's where I wanted to go first. Also, I've been reading a lot of slash recently, and while I've loved a lot of it, there are times when it gets altogether too cutesy between them, so this is a bit of a reaction against that, I think. Hopefully the next one will have plot! XD

Incidentally, if I were to dip my toe in and post this to a comm, which would you recommend? The wealth of choice out there is a bit daunting!
Callisto
callistosh65 at 2009-04-25 09:44 (UTC) (Link)
Incidentally, if I were to dip my toe in and post this to a comm, which would you recommend? The wealth of choice out there is a bit daunting! spn_gen is good for gen fic, and "supernaturalfic seems to be the main one for everything: gen, slash, RPS, etc - don't be put off by its daunting posting rules! And then if you post in either or both of those comms, it will be picked up and listed in the spnnewsletter. Which seems to come out about three times a week at the moment since the fanodm is so active.


Edited at 2009-04-25 09:55 (UTC)
Mrs Tufty
fawsley at 2009-04-25 10:00 (UTC) (Link)
Yay! Great to see you back m'dear! Like Drayce I'm afraid Supernatural isn't for me and never will be but lovely to have you all squeeey over it. Just keeping my fingers crossed you've still got a corner of your heart with some GuvLuv in it!
I, being poor, have only my dreams.
bistokids at 2009-04-25 18:34 (UTC) (Link)
Hi!! Thanks for dropping in. I am ridiculously squeeey about SPN right now, and I do tend to get a bit blinkered when I'm properly in the throes of a new obsession,but never fear! The corner of my heart given over to the GuvLuv (or more specifically the SamLuv) is secure and inviolate!
vic
saintvic at 2009-04-25 22:17 (UTC) (Link)
Hey, glad you are enjoying it so much. I really do love the show even though it snuck up on me a bit rather than being a full on attack. And there are some fabulous episodes to come *dances happily*.

Oh and I enjoyed this. I like the banter and the tension between Sam and Dean and the way they mess with one another.
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